Asking Eric: Estranged grandmother wants to reconnect with her granddaughter

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been estranged from our 17-year-old granddaughter for eight years. We were loving, supportive grandparents but after the mother of our granddaughter broke up with our son, the father, she stopped our granddaughter from seeing us as well.

For eight years, I have tried to keep contact with our granddaughter with gifts and cards on her birthday, Christmas and other times. I do not receive a response of any kind from her. We believe her mother forbids her from contacting us.

My question is should I continue to send cards and gifts to her? I’m ready to stop.

I don’t want her to forget us but I’m very tired of attempting to reach out to her with no response.

– Estranged Gramma

Dear Gramma: Eight years is a long time to go with no response. I’m sorry; I know that’s hard. If you’re ready to stop – or modify this practice – I think it’s OK to do so. Sending cards and gifts hasn’t had the desired effect thus far and if it’s just contributing to your grief and sense of loss, it might be best to take a pause.

Consider, however, that your granddaughter is about to be a legal adult and therefore will be able to make different choices about who gets to contact her. And also consider that the gifts may have had a positive impact on her, even if they didn’t result in a closer relationship with you. There are a lot of unknowns. As such, don’t feel obligated to keep up a tradition that’s wearing you down.

You might, for instance, take a few years off, and then reach out with a letter asking if she’s open to reconnecting. You’ll have to respect whatever she chooses, but there are other paths forward. They’ll just take a little more time.