Asking Eric: Our in-laws never invite us to holiday gatherings

Dear Eric: We live in the same town as my son’s family. He and his wife have two little boys. Our daughter-in-law’s parents have many nice homes, including a local condo.

Her mother takes charge and makes plans for every holiday unless she’s traveling. And we are never invited, despite our invites to them whenever we’ve squeezed in some plans.

My son knows how we feel, agrees, but begs us not to say anything because they are so touchy. We don’t want to cause trouble for him, but it is getting pretty hard to remain silent.

Thoughts?

– Uninvited

Dear Uninvited: I really wish your son would say something to his in-laws about this. I understand that no one is under any obligation to invite anyone else into their home and that this “touchy” relationship with his wife’s family likely has other pain points. But you need an advocate here and it’s (relatively) easier for him to stand up for you than for you to insert yourself.

Short of that, however, you might want to have a conversation with your son and daughter-in-law about sharing holidays. The intention isn’t to incite a turf war with your daughter-in-law’s parents. Rather, by saying, “I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year and I’d like for you to come” (or Fourth of July or Arbor Day, whatever the case may be), you start to rebalance the scales.

The in-law’s wants and plans don’t have to be the default. By asking for what you want (or a version of what you want), you’ll also be giving your son and daughter-in-law the chance to exercise their own autonomy. Maybe they don’t want to automatically go to her parents’ every year. Splitting family holidays can get complicated, but it’s important to remember the ultimate goal is quality time together, in whichever configuration works best.