Dear Annie: Our marriage has changed for the worse since the kids moved out

Dear Annie: I have been married to my husband, “Dave,” for 22 years. We met in college, and back then he was funny, attentive and full of life. We built a life together, raised two kids, managed careers, took family vacations, hosted holidays and always tried to be a united front, even during hard times. I have always thought of our marriage as steady and loyal, not overly romantic, but rooted in deep friendship.

Now the kids are grown and out of the house, and suddenly the silence between us is deafening. We sit across from each other at dinner and talk about errands, bills or the dog, but never anything deeper. I try to start real conversations, but Dave either brushes me off with a joke or gets defensive and says I am always making problems. He spends more time on his phone or watching TV than engaging with me. And when I suggested we try couples therapy, he laughed and said, “What for? We’re not like those people on talk shows.”

I find myself crying when I am alone, even though nothing is wrong on the surface. I feel more alone in this house with him than I ever did when he traveled for work. I don’t know if we are just in a rut or if the connection we once had is gone for good. Is this normal after so many years? Am I expecting too much, or is it time to face the possibility that Dave and I have grown too far apart? — Feeling Invisible in My Own Marriage

Dear Invisible: You are not alone — many long marriages hit this silent wall once the kids are grown and the distractions fade. But love cannot survive on autopilot. You’ve reached out, and he’s brushing you off. That’s not partnership; that’s avoidance.

Marriage is a two-way street. If one person is doing all the reaching, all the caring and all the hurting, it’s time for a wake-up call. Try one more honest conversation. If he still refuses to engage, consider counseling for yourself and try to ask for marriage counseling one more time. You deserve connection, not just company.